A Night in the Box

Tonight while putting Lauren to bed:

"Daddy, tomorrow before I go to bed will you shave so that I don't have to feel your whiskers when I kiss you goodnight?"

I became a father 9 years ago today. It was easily one of the four happiest days of my life, and memories of it are now oh so bittersweet (more bitter than sweet if truth be told). Last June 16 is a blur. I vaguely remember it not being as hard as I had expected, but my expectations were that it would be pretty terrible.

No matter how today goes, I know that in some respects it will be like every day in that I will spend a lot of it thinking about and missing my beautiful Nathan.

He should be here with me now.

Summer seems to be filled with so many landmines. Nathan's birthday. Father's Day (we brought Nathan home two days after he was born on Father's Day, June 18, 2009). My birthday. The day he died. And the end of summer when we should be putting him on the bus to start a new grade. I hope that we can fill a few good days in around the others.

Less of a conversation and more of a quote...

"This sun screen smells like the beach."

We sang one of Nathan's favorite songs in church today. It is a beautiful, triumphant song and I cry every time we sing it, especially when Susan's choir has their soloist for it. I love the song. And I hate the song. I always think that "this time I'm going to get through it" and I sing along with my terrible voice drowned out by the choir and congregation. Inevitably when we get to the chorus where the song rises to its most triumphant peaks I tear up and my voice breaks and I just listen on through the rest.

It is a blessing that the song brings such powerful memories. At its most potent I can see him standing next to me with a huge smile clapping along almost to the rhythm and I can feel a bit of the closeness that was there when he and I worshiped in church together. I don't think that such experiences can be explained. It is paradoxical that I can be so thankful for such powerful memories of him and at the same time, because of the same experience and memories feel such pain.

And then the day goes on like any other day.

Susan and Lauren were talking about birthdays. I can't recall the exact context, but it is a pretty frequent conversation to talk about who has the next upcoming birthday and what the dates are. Susan was telling Lauren the birthdays of our family members and Lauren was confused by Susan indicating that Nathan still had a birthday. She asked, "When is his un-birthday?".

One of the first lessons of parenthood for me was how quickly and how well children can communicate. It might not matter if they can come up with the right words at the right time, but they find a way to say or ask what they want to say.

And as for the rest of the conversation, Susan answered matter of factly. And I think we may have even chuckled a bit about the wording. Then Susan told me that the exchange should make its way into a "conversation"...so here it is.

I ran into a girl from Nathan's first grade class at a school event last night. Couldn't help to form a picture in my mind of how he might look finishing up the third grade.

I'm not sure how Susan goes there every week to help in Julia's class. I hate being in that school.

I got to catch Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers last night here in the Springs. In the last three years or so I have seen the Peacemakers at least six times. It is always a treat for me to catch them at the small venue down here instead of having to run up to Denver. I had been telling my sister how much I was looking forward to the all out rock and roll show and man did Roger and the guys deliver!

This is the first full band performance that I have seen since Steve Larson left the band on lead guitar and Jim Dalton, of The Railbenders and The Hickman Dalton Gang, took his spot. Steve was great, but I don't think they lost anything at all. In fact, for someone that sees the band pretty often, I think the change is awesome. Roger is a lock. The drummer dates back to The Refreshments days and is a tremendous drummer. If this band is going to mix things up it is going to come from the lead guitar. I love the band and keep seeing their shows, but even though they always bring the energy, some of the songs were getting a little stale. Dalton can really play and I think that the whole band is a bit energized and really laying it out there to prove to the loyal fans that they can get it done in the new lineup.

As for the setlist, I don't have the whole thing but it was great. For those of you that know the music, they opened with "Preacher's Daughter" and closed the encore with "Nada". Those are some amazing bookends. The beginning and the end of the show were heavy on The Freshies with more RCPM tracks in the middle. We got "Una Soda" and "Helly Dolly" and those are two Freshies songs that I hadn't heard RCPM perform. I even thought that the old standbys had a new energy to them. "Banditos", "Mexico", "Mekong"...the songs you hear every show and become the, "I'll go grab a beer during this one" songs all just rocked. Dalton is a CO guy and Roger said that Dalton put together the set list for this show and that during the whole tour he is pushing them to put some of the "rarities" back in rotation. The encore was really special. Another local artist, Angie Stevens, was in the crowd and she got called up to trade verses and share the chorus on "Green and Dumb". She came up and Dalton gave her his mic. Roger had nothing to do with that and told her that if she had her own mic that "it took all the sexy away". It was a really fantastic performance of that standby.

I go to most shows solo. It would be nice to have company, but it usually works out fine for me. Sometimes I'm a little lonely, but never at RCPM shows. They crowd is always so friendly, singing along, and just a really great environment. I ended up talking with a group of guys and really having a good, communal time. And not really knowing anyone I can let loose and jump around and sing along without any silly worries about embarrassing myself.

I think that this was maybe the second most enjoyable Peacemakers show for me. The first one blew me away. This one had a really great energy and feel. I also really loved the show that I got to catch with my brother. I'm waiting to catch one with my sister. That would be special too.

Go see them. They are on fire.