A Night in the Box

Conversations with the not so little girl

2012-01-20T21:26:00.001-07:00

As we were eating out as a family tonight I had wings. I was using the wet wipe to clean my messy hands when Julia chimed in with the following in a surprised tone, "Daddy, I don't see any sauce on your face!"

Annual hope for the purple and white

2012-01-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

Once again our Wildcats can ask, "Will this be the year?".

SI BRACKET WATCH

What they [PAC2] said

2012-01-18T10:50:00.003-07:00

This is a much better and more productive response to the American Cancer Society than was my anger fueled rant.

Money quote:

In our opinion statements such as yours trivialize childhood cancer and demonstrate a true lack of understanding of the issues surrounding the challenges our children and the childhood cancer community face. This occurs at a time when the childhood cancer community is uniting and rising up to demand change. So, while it may not have been your intention, thank you for galvanizing the efforts of so many to speak united as one voice against childhood cancer. Together, we call on the American Cancer Society to do better.

So, yeah. what they said.

Fuck You American Cancer Society

2012-01-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

There is a Facebook campaign out there to get Mattel to create a bald Barbie (HuffPo). I'm not sure if I care too much about whether or not a bald Barbie gets created. The reaction that I see from parents of young girls with cancer is mostly in support of the idea. Those reactions don't seem to be about "awareness". They seem to be more about how it would make their daughters feel better about their situations and baldness. I'm all for all of that and I'm all for parents of cancer kids and cancer kids making this push and lending their voices.

I'm not emotionally involved in whether or not Mattel should make a bald Barbie. What burns me though is that the American Cancer Society decided that they had to make a stand against the idea on their blog. WTF? Like they have much, if anything to do, with childhood cancer. The ACS is not a big player in the funding of childhood cancer research. That is fine. I disagree. But it is fine. They probably do great work on all sorts of fronts in the fight against cancer. They just don't focus much on the kids. So where do they get off having an opinion on this? Apparently it seems that most of that opinion has to do with the effectiveness of using Barbie to promote awareness and then again about the effectiveness of awareness campaigns in general. Okay. Fine again. But why jump in on a topic that you aren't in the game on? Why not tackle other awareness campaigns? Why pick on the kid based campaigns when that isn't your thing?

So at that point I'm mildly upset by the fact that the ACS is weighing in. Then comes this:

Childhood cancer is exceedingly rare.

This is where we move into, "Fuck you American Cancer Society" territory. This is anti-awareness. This is a projection of the ACS's method of determining how to funnel funding. Fewer kids get cancer than adults, so we won't put as much money there. That is one way to look at the issue. It isn't the right way. What you have here though is a big organization that everyone has heard of. Most people probably assume that the organization helps kids with cancer. The organization itself probably even uses pictures of cute bald kids from time to time in its materials. But the truth is that they don't do much for kids with cancer compared to organizations out there dedicated to helping kids with cancer. And here they are writing a piece advocating against a movement that might help raise awareness and prominently writing in the piece that "childhood cancer is exceedingly rare". We aren't just talking "rare" here. We are talking "exceedingly rare". If I haven't been exposed to childhood cancer I walk away feeling like it isn't a big deal. I think something like, "Hey. Childhood cancer is *exceedingly* rare. The ACS says so. I be they got this. I don't need to worry about whether or not funding is going specifically too it or not."

Then they go on and sum up the piece by worrying about Mattel.

My final concern is the no-win position Mattel finds itself in.

Really? Your final concern isn't about the kids suffering and dying? You are an organization that is out there to fight cancer. Cancer is the number one killer of kids in this country. And you are going to close your list of concerns by being worried about the possible bullying of a corporation aspect to this?

Organizations compete for donors. And the ACS just blatantly went on the offensive against organizations that are dedicated to help fight childhood cancer and it makes me sick.

Conversations with the not so little girl

2012-01-10T20:02:00.001-07:00

It has been awhile since the not so little girl got a conversations post.

Julia: Boys aren't stupid. They just act that way because they think it is funny. I mean, some boys in my class are actually smart. Take so and so for example. You wouldn't think that he would be good at math but he is really good at geometry.

Conversations with the littlest girl (Or interpreting the classics)

2012-01-08T21:16:00.001-07:00

I was doing something that I try to only do when I am either by myself or only have my girls around. I was playing my guitar and *singing*. I would not subject many people to that. I was playing and singing "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" and Lauren was intrigued:

Lauren: Why is he so sad?
Me: Why do you think?
Lauren: Because he is lonely.
Me: That is true, but do you know why?
Lauren: No.
Me: Let's listen to each verse.

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Me: Now do you know why he is lonely?
Lauren: No.

I've never seen a night so long
when times goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Me: How about now?
Lauren: No.

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die
That means he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Me: Now?
Lauren: No.

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Me: How about now? That was the last verse.
Lauren: Is it because he misses somebody?

Conversations with the littlest girl

2011-12-01T21:18:00.001-07:00

Me: You are going to have a shower tonight.
Lauren: I had a shower last night.
Me: No you didn't.
Lauren: Well, I've had a shower this week.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2011-11-27T12:39:00.001-07:00

Lauren and I were driving home this morning and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" was on the radio.

Me: So, Lauren, have you been naughty or nice this year.
Lauren: Nice.
Me: He knows when you've been bad or good.
Lauren: I don't think it is true.
Me: You don't think what is true?
Lauren: That Santa only brings presents to kids that are good.

Want

2011-11-22T09:27:00.001-07:00

Giant bottle of Celebration Ale...how do I score one of those? 12 oz bottles are probably much more practical, but these giant ones are awesome!

The Ghost of Michael Clark

2011-11-21T13:42:00.001-07:00

Mike Clark is a local (Colorado Springs/Pueblo) musician. I've seen him in a few different bands and really like his music. The Ghost of Michael Clark is his newest project and it is really good. The local NPR member station (KRCC) has a good new interview with some live performances available. There are some good video links there at the KRCC link too.

That Much Further West

2011-11-15T11:58:00.001-07:00

Apparently in honor of the vinyl reissue of the Lucero album That Much Further West, Ben Nichols sat down and provided Alternative Press a few quick thoughts on each song on the album.

Track by Track: Lucero

I've been on a bit of a That Much Further West kick in my listening habits lately. It is a great album and really cool to hear Ben's take on the songs or provide some insight into his songwriting process.

The highlight is the inspiration for the great track Hate and Jealousy.

A friend of mine once made me promise never to tell how I got the idea for the lyrics to this song. But here goes. You remember the movie Red Dawn? Remember when C. Thomas Howell is sitting by the fire carving notches into his sawed off shotgun for all the Russians he killed? Remember how Powers Boothe walks up to him and says, "All that hate is gonna burn you up, kid." And C. Thomas Howell says, "It keeps me warm." Yup. That is where the magic came from.

If you don't know the album, you can stream it here.

I found this article via Fuck Yeah Ben Nichols.

A night in the box

2011-11-14T12:13:00.001-07:00

Inspiration for the title of this blog. This was the best video that I could find and embedding is unfortunately disabled.

Any man that don't keep order spends a night in the box.

And while it inspired the title of this mostly neglected blog, it also inspired a lot of other actually cool stuff, like this song by Reverend Horton Heat.

Hard work

2011-11-14T11:55:00.001-07:00

Wilbon is a Chicago guy and Northwestern grad, so I love him. I read his take on the Bears big win over the Lions yesterday and this stood out.

So what, exactly, happened since the beginning of the season when the defense looked somewhere between ordinary and sloppy? The Bears did something the analysts don't talk about very much anymore: they plain, old-fashioned got better. They went to work every day and improved. They practiced over and over and over until they got it right.

I'm not sure that I believe this, because I'm not convinced that the type of work that Wilbon describes exists in professional sports any longer. I don't doubt that these guys work. I see their bodies and the beating they take and I know that it takes a ton of work to be in that kind shape. Wilbon isn't describing the type of "work" that I associate with today's professional athlete, which is the work to improve self. To make oneself stronger, faster, and better. To make oneself more likely to cash in on free agency. Wilbon seems to paint a picture of a Bears defensive unit coming together to work hard and improve as a team. There is even a quote buried in the piece from defensive lineman Henry Melton that would indicate that actually listening to and respecting coaches has something to do with success and improvement.

And as Melton said, "Coach Marinelli really challenged us. You see I was inactive last week. Coach is a grinder. He stays on you. We can have a tackle-for-loss play and he'll look at guys and say, 'How come you weren't doing your job here?'"

I'm sure something will occur on this team that destroys this illusion, but I think I'll be hopeful that there is at least some reality to it.

Hess

2011-11-11T09:27:00.001-07:00

I ran across this post (Win a 2011 Hess Toy Truck!) in my RSS feed from the GeekDad blog.

The Hess Toy Truck has been a holiday tradition since 1964. It’s been a tradition in my house since 2007. My mom started giving each year’s edition of the truck to my son every Christmas Our collection will grow this year to include the Toy Truck and Race Car that is this year’s design.

Nathan loved these Hess Toy Trucks. I had never heard of them, but Nathan discovered them while in NYC for treatment. We have the 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, and 2006 toys. I was just looking at the history at http://www.hesstoytruck.com/. Our collection comes to an abrupt end.

My friend Matt took this picture of me and Nathan with his 2001 model.

Murp Rocks!

2011-11-09T15:09:00.002-07:00

I've said it before and I will say it again...Murp rocks! I wish that my kids were this cool (It is a good thing that they don't read this). They just play the violin and cello and insist on singing being in tune.

Spongester

2011-11-08T19:40:00.002-07:00

Susan saw this in a catalog and had to show me. I have a thing about not mixing the dish (good) sponge and the counter (evil) sponge.

Spongester

Out of It

2011-11-08T10:49:00.001-07:00

I sat down on the couch in the family room today with my computer and
turned on the TV for some background noise. I hit power and then sat
back and started typing away. It wasn't until several minutes later
that I recognized that I was working to Barney in the background. Ugh.

2011-11-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

Early in September I caught the first night of Zac Brown Band's two nights at Red Rocks. My friend got there really early and waited in the parking lot. We were right up in the third row center and it was a really good show. The band filmed this video for the song "Keep Me in Mind" during the two shows at Red Rocks. Red Rocks is a fantastic venue and some of the footage in this video can give you a good idea of what it is like if you haven't had the pleasure of seeing a show there.

Busting Up a Starbucks

2011-11-04T11:26:00.000-06:00

I haven't been to too many shows lately. I keep joking that the Rock Gods have been against me. I like Mike Doughty's music and have been wanting to catch him live. I have a friend up in Denver that introduced me to Soul Coughing and Mike Doughty and with Doughty cruising through Denver and at a venue that I really like, I couldn't pass this one up. It was a really good show. The band sounded good. The bassist was particularly talented and seemed a bit strange. And Doughty's vocal quality was really good live. He played most of my favorite songs including "27 Jennifers" and this one, "Busting up a Starbucks".

Conversations with the little girl

2011-08-10T14:08:00.001-06:00

Me: Julia, could you do <some household chore> for me?

Julia: I've never done that before but I will try.

Lauren: Julia, Do or do not. There is no try.

B-24 Liberator

2011-08-02T11:00:00.001-06:00

This is a picture of my grandfather (my Grandpa Gentry) by a B-24 Liberator in WWII. I just think that this is a really cool photograph. It could be a picture in a history book, but it isn't. It is a picture that my father ran across going through some old things of my grandfather's.

Hello Sadness

2011-07-14T09:06:00.001-06:00

If you are ever feeling down and "tired of the fight" and wanting to just "sit down and rest" with your sadness for awhile, the old sad songs of Ben Nichols and Lucero are good company.

`

You knew it was bound, to catch me again
Well hello sadness
My old friend
Well it’s been awhile
But now I see
You’re back in style
Well sit down and rest, I ain’t goin’ nowhere
I feel the pain
Like a shot from a gun
Feel it deep in my gut
I’m done tryin’ to run
I’m given in, I’m given up
I’m tired of the fight
Well you got my corner
To know it ain’t right
Well I’ll surrender tomorrow if I live through the night.
Well you got my corner
Hell I know it ain’t right,
Well I”ll surrender tomorrow if I live through the night

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 30 - Your Favorite Song at This Time Last Year

2011-07-11T14:37:00.000-06:00

Well, this wraps up the 30 days. It took me quite a few more days than 30 to complete these, but it has been fun. I'm not sure what my favorite was last year, but I seem to recall being in a pretty big "Preacher's Daughter" phase. Here is Roger doing it solo acoustic.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 29 - A Song From Your Childhood

2011-06-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

My parents helped give me a love of music and a lasting love for a lot of really good music that they listened to while we were kids. They also gave me an enduring fondness for Bobby Goldsboro. I'm not sure that it all balances out.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 28 - A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

2011-06-24T13:40:00.000-06:00

I got nothing. I'll think it over and update this one if something comes to mind. We've already covered guilty pleasure ground and that is the only angle I could think of to take this one.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 27 - A Song That You Wish You Could Play

2011-06-23T12:55:00.001-06:00

I love how this just starts out with amazing guitar right from the opening riff.

Ed, This one makes me want a Strat.

Eric Clapton - Have You Ever Loved a Woman

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 26 - A Song That You Can Play on an Instrument

2011-06-22T14:42:00.000-06:00

Buckets of Rain

This is just a snippet. The song really just repeats itself verse after verse with no real chorus or bridge. I stumble on the run down the neck and need to get those transitions faster. This is really the song that I have most recently been learning and while it isn't really a difficult song, it is the most difficult finger-picking that I have done.

I'm also enjoying it because it is experimenting with a new tuning. This is done tuned to Open D. I think that I like the sound better with the capo on the second fret making it Open E, but it would seem that Open D is truer to the way that it is most often played.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 25 - A Song That Makes You Laugh

2011-06-21T11:24:00.000-06:00

Hayes Carll - She Left Me for Jesus

I was tempted to quote a few of the lines that I find particularly funny, but I didn't want to ruin it for you.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 24 - A Song That You Want to Play at Your Funeral

2011-06-20T09:49:00.000-06:00

The "rules" say "a song that you want to play at your funeral". I don't think that I will be playing any songs at my funeral.

"My Ride's Here" so "Keep Me in Your Heart for Awhile"

Warren Zevon

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 23 - A Song That You Want to Play at Your Wedding

2011-06-18T09:20:00.001-06:00

I've already done the wedding thing. We didn't do music at our reception. Susan walked the aisle to "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" played by a string quartet.

I've got an inkling where Josh will go with this one.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 22 - A Song That You Listen to When You're Sad

2011-06-17T13:20:00.000-06:00

I break out the Townes when I'm feeling down and am okay with just sitting back in the melancholy for awhile.

Townes Van Zandt - If I Needed You

Eleven

2011-06-17T08:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, June 16, was Nathan's birthday. He was born eleven years ago. As with most of these milestones, I think that the anticipation of the day was worse for me than the actual day. Wednesday night I was just wracked with anxiety. My heart was racing and I just felt completely off. We didn't do much "special" on his birthday, but Nathan was heavy on our hearts and minds all day. We just spent the bulk of the day together as a family and that felt right.

Many people remembered his birthday and sent a lot of love and support our way through thoughts, prayers, and messages. There was something of a theme of hoping that we could "celebrate" the day. I get that. And I applaud families that actually get there and appreciate the hope that people have that we would be there. The truth is that there is not a single day that Nathan isn't in my thoughts. And many of those times could be considered a "celebration" because they will cause smiles or laughs over a memory, or will evoke a feeling of warmth and love, or maybe even just remembering something funny that we shared with him. But on the big days, for me, it just doesn't feel like a celebration. The days aren't necessarily pure torture, but on the big days, like his birthday, while the hole in my heart isn't any bigger, I am more aware of it.

So, no, I don't feel like I spent yesterday celebrating. I'll celebrate and be thankful on the days that it feels right. And I'll mourn and grieve and struggle on those days that mourning and grieving feels right. Some days I'll cycle through all of that many times over because that feels right.

I don't mean this as a criticism for anyone that expressed that they hoped that we would be "celebrating" Nathan's birthday. The thought and sentiment was in no way offensive or painful. Every once in awhile I just try to throw out a bit of what this is like for me.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 21 - A Song That You Listen to When You're Happy

2011-06-14T10:40:00.000-06:00

Fishbone - Everday Sunshine

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 20 - A Song That You Listen to When You're Angy

2011-06-13T17:16:00.000-06:00

Slayer - Seasons in the Abyss

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 19 - A Song From Your Favorite Album

2011-06-13T09:15:00.001-06:00

These are tough but I enjoy how it makes me think about music. My favorite album right now is probably Lucero's 1372 Overton Park. It is the album that gets the most "spins" on my iPod. I just love the songs on that album and nothing new has come along to push it aside and get more listens. But with so much of current listening habits dictated by singles and individual song downloads, I started thinking more about what my favorite album is to listen to in a complete sitting (don't often have the time for that) and in the track order that the artist intended to be heard. And then this became a very easy daily topic because that album is Willie Nelson's Red Headed Stranger. Red Headed Stranger is a concept album. The songs stand on their own, but if you sit down and listen to the entire album it tells the story of "the preacher" on the run from the law after killing his wife and her lover and it is a great listen.

Willie Nelson - Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 18 - A Song That You Wish you Heard on the Radio

2011-06-11T08:27:00.000-06:00

Neither of my favorite bands, Lucero and Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers, get much radio play. RCPM has a new album and I would love for it to do well so that the band can keep doing what they do and travelling through Colorado so I can see them live.

Here is, Marie, the best song off of the latest album.

We stood by RCPM's lead guitarist Jim Dallton's mother at a show in February. Her name is Marie and she got a few special shout-outs at the show and bonded a bit with my sister.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 17 - A Song That You Hear Often on the Radio

2011-06-10T08:46:00.003-06:00

I don't really listen to the radio. I'm trying to stay with the spirit of this day's topic. I do sometimes shuffle the Billboard Top 100 on Napster's online service just to get a taste of what the kids are listening to these days. Mostly it is terrible, but Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" keeps coming up. I'm not a huge fan, but it is certainly better than most of what seems to be popular these days.

Adele - Rolling in the Deep

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 16 - A Song That You Used to Love but Now Hate

2011-06-10T08:40:00.001-06:00

I'm going to have to punt on this one. I kicked it around all day yesterday and didn't come up with anything. There is likely something from my youth, but nothing jumped into my head on it. I'll get back to it and update this when it comes to me.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 15 - A Song That Describes You

2011-06-08T08:30:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure of the actual timing of Roger writing this one. It is likely more about being 39 and approaching 40. I turn 38 in July and if you do the math (and I just did on my fingers to make sure), this summer is my 39th.

Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers - Summer Number 39

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 14 - A Song That No One Would Expect You to Love

2011-06-07T08:53:00.000-06:00

This is a tough one because of the "no one" criteria. I share most of my musical tastes and interests with people. There are some songs/music that I love that would surprise some people, and then other songs/music that I love that would surprise others.

If there is one description of music that I have consistently dogged on over the years it is "pop". And "pop" can be what is traditionally thought of as pop, pop-rock, pop-country, etc.

Well, here is a pure pop song that I really like. I just find it catchy and fun. I realize how bad this one is...don't hold it against me.

Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 13 - A Song That is a Guilty Pleasure

2011-06-06T10:20:00.000-06:00

I searched my email archives where I often share music with my brother and sister for "guilty pleasure" and came up with a few hits. I would describe not just the song, but the band, as a guilty pleasure. I don't know if I would listen to this if I hadn't seen them open for Reverend Horton Heat. They were fantastic fun live.

This one is *not* safe for work (I picked one of the more tame ones).

Nashville Pussy - Come On, Come On
Hanging around to the end of the video to hear the French host say "Nashville Pussy" is fun.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 12 - A Song From a Band You Hate

2011-06-04T08:24:00.000-06:00

Rascal Flatts - "I'm Movin' On". I don't know their songs, so I picked one mostly at random.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 11 - A Song From Your Favorite Band

2011-06-03T08:43:00.000-06:00

My favorite band shifts from time to time. For awhile now that title has belonged to Lucero. Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers/Refreshments come in second on this one. Choosing my favorite band wasn't hard, but picking "a song" to put here is. I haven't chosen one that I think the most people would find appealing. The frontman's voice is tough for some people to like. It is rough and whiskey drenched (literally and descriptively) and a put off to some. Still, there are some songs where that isn't as noticeable or the strength of the musicianship and lyrics can override that. This performance of "Banks of the Arkansas" isn't really one of those songs. It does capture a lot about what I love about Lucero though. This is a band of guys that love and care about the music that they produce. If you want to get a glimpse of that, watch the documentary "Dreaming in America" that chronicles their efforts to make the album "Nobody's Darling". And they embody the spirit of a type of genre (subgenre?) of music that I love and that is music with a real respect for roots but with a touch of punk. Lucero can run the gambit of just straight rock, country tinged "old sad songs", and on into their newer songs that are fantastic rockers with Memphis horns in the background.

I've been to three or four Lucero shows. I walked into one and Ben Nichols, the lead singer and rhythm guitar player, was just standing in the lobby with a beer chatting with fans as they walked in. At all of the shows various members of the band weren't hiding in the back during the openers, they were out front with the rest of the show goers listening to and supporting their opening acts. They are rough partiers and class acts.

This is a kick ass live performance of "Banks of the Arkansas" and it captures some of the energy and feel of Lucero.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 10 - A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep

2011-06-02T08:30:00.001-06:00

Enya's "Watermark". Anything Enya really and not in a bad way either.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 9 - A Song That You Can Dance To

2011-06-01T10:32:00.001-06:00

I'm no kinda dancer (and apparently not afraid to take the easy way out).

Robert Earl Keen - No Kinda Dancer

Almost went with Lucero's "Slow Dancing". "My feet were too drunk to keep step in time"...the only way I'll ever dance other than just being goofy with my daughters.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 8 - A Song That You Know All of the Words To

2011-05-31T11:08:00.000-06:00

A lot of songs could have filled this one. I'm choosing Lucero's "Nights Like These". The video below is Ben Nichols doing it solo acoustic.

I'm guessing that Ben Nichols and Lucero will show up some more in the challenge.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 7 - A Song That Reminds You of a Certain Event

2011-05-30T15:32:00.002-06:00

Jesus Jones - Right Here Right Now
NU Dance Marathon

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 6 - A Song That Reminds You of Somewhere

2011-05-30T15:25:00.000-06:00

"Song 2" by Blur is one of many 90s alternative rock hits that reminds me of Northern Virginia. Mid-90s alternative rock for me is all a soundtrack to post college days living there.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 5 - A Song That Reminds You of Someone

2011-05-28T08:39:00.001-06:00

We have a great soloist in our church. The choir would sing this as a praise song pretty regularly years ago and it was just perfect. It is triumphant and soaring and Nathan loved it so much.

Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir - Days of Elijah

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 4 - A Song That Makes You Sad

2011-05-27T08:27:00.001-06:00

This one was easy too. This song gets me every time. Townes nails everything. I could have picked any number of Townes songs for this one, but Marie is a perfect sad song. The picking is forlorn. The vocals are evocative (Willie does a great cover of this one). I can handle sad. I've dealt with plenty of sad. What I'm terrified of is sadness without hope, and this song just drips with hopelessness from the first note. I don't listen to it very often, but it is a fantastic song.

Townes Van Zandt - Marie

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 3 - A Song That Makes You Happy

2011-05-26T08:10:00.000-06:00

I'm going with Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. There really are a lot of songs that could fall into this slot. This one is bouncy and happy and I love the theme. And it has a strangely effective and not annoying use of whistling. How can that not make you happy? And probably most importantly it was brought to my attention by my sister, Anna, so the song has a special place for me because of that.

Home - Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros

Office Before and After

2011-05-25T20:48:00.000-06:00

I'm really happy with how the changes to my office have turned out. It has gone from being cluttered and messy and crowded to being more open and much more pleasant to be in.

Before

After

Standing on the Job: Day 1

2011-05-25T08:50:00.000-06:00

My second full day of standing was more difficult. For the second straight day I struggled more in the morning. I think that it just seems unusual still and starting the day in a different way than I have started a work day for my entire white collar career experience puts me a little out of sorts. If anything, focus was hard in the mornings on the first two days. In the afternoon I got into what I needed to complete by COB and the time flew.

Physically it was a bit more challenging. I'm having some pain in my neck and shoulders, but that is to be expected. I'm actually hoping that this change will eliminate the fact that I tend to get pain in my neck and shoulders when standing or walking for long periods. I will strengthen and my posture will get better. That is the hope. And it wasn't so much that I could not continue standing. I have a desk that will raise and lower and I kept it at standing height all day.

My feet and legs feel pretty good. I had read that feet would be a real issue, but I'm not having much discomfort as far as that goes.

So far so good.

These daily updates will be pretty boring if this all goes well.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 2 - Your Least Favorite Song

2011-05-25T08:40:00.000-06:00

This one is tough too. I thought that I might have to do a similar cheat as I did for day 1 and focus on my least favorite popular song at the moment. It turns out that this isn't the case. As I did yesterday's song this one popped into my head quite clearly as what had to be the song for Day 2. So, here you go, my least favorite song (but I wouldn't actually recommend that anyone watch/listen to below video).

Wang Chung - Everybody Have Fun Tonight

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 1 - Your Favorite Song

2011-05-24T13:00:00.000-06:00

I'm going to try and do the 30 Day Song Challenge. I'm encouraging my brother and sister to do it with me. Hopefully it turns out to be fun. Day 1 is impossible. I have no favorite song. I kicked around some different ways to approach this. Should I pick a favorite artist and then go with a favorite song of theirs? Should I just blindly pick my "most played" song on my iPod? In the end I decided to pick my most favorite song right now. And my favorite song right now is Bob Dylan's "Buckets of Rain". It is my favorite Dylan song. I'm learning to play it and that is great fun. And my daughters sometimes ask me to play it so that they can sing along too. So, my favorite song at the moment is "Buckets of Rain". Here is a version of it by one of my favorite artist's, Jeffrey Foucault, performing it with his wife, Kris Delmhorst.

Standing on the Job: Day 0 Recap

2011-05-24T07:57:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a really great beginning day to my standing work experience. It felt like I had everything setup well (more on my gear and setup to come as time allows to put together a real post with pictures and links). I stood through the entire day. It felt strange in the morning and I know that it will take awhile to get used to in general, but in the afternoon I was able to get focused and lost in my work and didn't really notice the standing.

As for the physical things that I was worried about, I didn't really experience much discomfort. My feet and legs felt good all day (even throwing in a short run over lunch). My shoulders and neck did get sore. This is where I get discomfort and pain say when standing on a concrete floor at a concert for hours. That was tolerable though.

I stood through the entire work day any time when I needed access to my computer, which is most of my working minutes. I wondered around a bit when on the phone and took a few breaks to sit on my stool and noodle around on my guitar. I do have something under my feet so that I can prop one foot up now and then. I will probably get a nice gel mat to stand on and soften things up a bit. If I did anything "wrong" it might have been to get lazy and lean on the desk a bit too much which throws off posture and that kind of thing. I'll correct those things as I go.

Overall Day 0 was a very positive experience. I still expect some aches and pain in my feet and legs based on what I have read to expect about the transition.

Standing on The Job: Day 0

2011-05-23T08:02:00.000-06:00

For a variety of reasons I am making the transition to a standing desk. I had a long stretch this past winter when I was working long hours and it was killing my back. I have had eye strain problems and neck and should pain as pretty much a constant. And I have been suspecting that my office setup and resulting posture is at the root of it all. I'm intrigued by the general thought of using energy and burning calories while I work as well.

Recently the news has been full of information about how sitting all day at our desks may be bad for us.
Bloomberg
MSNBC
NPR

I had been reading this information and also kicking around getting new furniture for my office. I have been working from my home office for 12 years on a folding table. It was getting time to make my office a more pleasant place to be.

I'm going to a standing desk starting today. I'll post some before and after shots of the office and some information about my desk choice in an out-of-order post on this topic. I'm really happy about the way that the office has come together in terms of look and feel. Now I need to get used to standing all day. Any of you that stand all day on the job already will probably scoff a bit at this, but I'm expecting a little bit of a challenge in this transition. I have a lot of history of just sitting at my desk all day to overcome, and everything that I read says that until I get used to the hours standing that I will certainly have feet, neck, and back pain.

Day 0 is about to begin.

Conversations with the not so little girl

2011-05-15T12:24:00.000-06:00

On the way to church:

Julia: Can we listen to Johnny Cash instead of Sunday Celebration on the radio?
Me: Sure. You wanna listen to Folsom Prison Blues?
Julia: Not on the way to church. I want to listen to the one where he sings hymns.

For the record, both of my girls like Folsom Prison Blues and can sing along. They just want to focus on praise on Sunday mornings. I can live with that and I'll take Johnny Cash singing old-fashioned hymns over cliche fueled praise songs sung by Christian hipster dudes with whispery voices any day.

Conversations between the little girls

2011-05-14T19:05:00.000-06:00

Overheard over lunch:

Julia: Daddy is drinking orange Gatorade. I didn't know that we had any orange Gatorade.
Lauren: I don't know what Gatorade tastes like. What does it taste like?
Julia: It tastes like awesome!

Grumpy shoes

2011-05-14T11:11:00.000-06:00

I woke up grumpy this morning. I've been trying to fight it and I'm not sure of the cause, but I got a clue. I went to put on an old pair of shoes to go out and mow the grass. As I was lacing them up I had what I can only describe as a flashback. I wasn't sitting in my living room chair lacing up those shoes. I was sitting in the chair that I slept in for almost 40 nights during Nathan's last hospital stay at MSKCC in NYC. I sat in that chair nearly every morning and laced these same shoes before meeting up with Susan to switch shifts. It only lasted for a split second but it was like I was there. Looking down at the white, shiny floors and crammed between the bed and the wall.

Perhaps I'll throw these old shoes away...or maybe I'll hang on to them for just a little while longer...

Myself

2011-04-07T19:18:00.000-06:00

There is a common expression that has to do with feeling, or not feeling, like oneself. I've been living the negative version of that feeling for what seems like a very long time. Up until Nathan's illness that expression was something that could maybe define short seasons in my life, but really was more applicable to me on a personal level in the context of overcoming a short illness or something similarly fleeting. It was a casual thing, "Wow. That cold really lingered. I finally feel like myself again."

Pain in a very profound way entered my world eight years ago with Nathan's diagnosis. I say "pain" in a way that covers so very many emotions. With that pain I changed. The diagnosis, the fight, the death, and the grief that began on April Fools' Day in 2003 changed me and continue to shape me to this day. And from that day until some day sometime within the last few months I struggled with this vague notion that I no longer felt like myself. In some cases the feeling was nebulous and undefined. There were other changes that I could see and did not like. For example, I have always been a social person. I have always liked and enjoyed people and wanted to be in groups and getting to know people. For so very long I dreaded being around pretty much anyone. I thought that I had lost that part of myself. Some of it was the fear of how to handle the innocent get to know you question of, "So, how many kids do you have?". It was more than that though. I just didn't enjoy people like I once had. There are other examples too, but this is one that really stands out to me. Susan would say something to me from time to time about how social I was or how she thought that I thrived in group settings, and it would feel wrong. That didn't feel like me anymore because I dreaded most contact with anyone outside of my family.

I can't say what has changed. I don't buy in to the "N steps of grief". I don't discount that approach either, it was just never something that helped me. And I don't want to feel "healed". I don't even want to be scarred. I want to continue to feel the pain. The pain continues to make my love for Nathan real in a way that almost nothing else does. No, the pain isn't gone, but for some reason I have found myself feeling strange. I have found myself feeling, for lack of another way to explain it, like myself. I can relax just a little bit more, even when things are hectic. And probably the most noticeable change is that I look forward to being with people. I look forward again to making new friends and forming new relationships. That part of me was gone, and now it seems to be coming back. And for all of that I am thankful.

I'm sure that I have failed to express myself on this well. It is a difficult thing to try to explain. It was a few months ago during a time that was particularly light in terms of the lingering effects of grief that I began to have this notion that I was starting to once again feel like myself. I have been contemplating this for awhile and I even began to write this post several weeks ago. This morning I sat down at my desk to work and I felt very sad. I glanced at a picture on my desk of Nathan and I immediately broke down and cried. No. It isn't that the pain is gone. It isn't that I have somehow completed my grieving. It is that I am once again someone that likes and enjoys the company of others. And I am also someone that sometimes just sits down at their desk to work and begins to cry. Today I feel like I've been put through the emotional wringer, but it doesn't feel wrong because there is something about me that I now find more recognizable. I just kinda feel more like myself.

Conversations with the not so little girl

2011-01-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

Riding in the car with Julia and we have the following conversation:

Julia: The back of the "Nanny McPhee" box says that it is the 'new Mary Poppins". What does that mean?
Me: It means that the movie has a lot in common with Mary Poppins and they want people that like Mary Poppins to watch Nanny McPhee.
Julia: How is it like Mary Poppins?
Me: How isn't it like Mary Poppins?
Julia: What do you mean?
Me: They have a lot in common.
Julia: Like what?
Me: Well...Nanny McPhee and Mary Poppins are nannies. They both help children that people think are naughty. They both help fathers that are troubled and not paying enough attention to their children which is the main cause of why others think the kids are naughty. And both of the nannies help the children and fathers using magic.
Julia: I still don't get it.

Conversations with the not so little girl

2010-11-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

We were in the car and listening to Christmas music. The song "Mary, Did You Know?" came on. We were listening and Julia said to me, "I think Mary did know some of this. I mean, God did send an angel to tell her about what was happening. She probably didn't know that he would walk on water. I think that surprised everyone."

God's word declared it would be so

2010-10-07T08:41:00.000-06:00

The Carter Family - No Depression

Uncle Tupelo - No Depression

An unoriginal dream

2010-09-12T16:01:00.000-06:00

I rarely remember my dreams, but I do remember one dream from last night. I was having an affair with Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas was plotting to kill me a la A Perfect Murder.

I can't be the first person to have had this dream.

Conversations with the not so little girl

2010-07-05T14:39:00.000-06:00

When discussing with her grandfather what she does at recess.

"The boys try and spy on the girls but they aren't very good at it. They walk around trying to pretend that they aren't looking at us or watching us but we can always tell that they are spying on us."

So all of this time that I thought I was discreetly stealing glances at cute girls/attractive women they really have been able to always tell since sometime around age 8?

Conversations with the guy at the airport bar

2010-05-28T08:31:00.000-06:00

Guy: My last good girlfriend went to the U of I. That must have been 26 years ago now.
Me: Sorry. 26 years is a long stretch without a good girlfriend.
Guy: Yeah. I've had two bad wives since.

Conversations with the not so little girl

2010-05-21T08:21:00.000-06:00

Me: Julia, come over here so I can brush your hair.
Julia: I want to do it.
Me: I'm going to do it. It won't be too long until you are too big for your dad to be brushing your hair.
Julia: I already am.

:(

Conversations with the little girl

2010-04-17T15:09:00.002-06:00

Today I was helping Julia get her lunch. I pulled an unopened jar of strawberry jelly out of the refrigerator. Wondering it was time to crack open the fresh jar, I had the following conversation with Julia:

Me: Did you recently finish a jar of jelly?
Julia: You just got a jar out of the fridge.
Me: Why don't you ever answer the question that I ask you?
Julia: I did.
Me: I asked if you had recently finished a jar of jelly.
Julia: Yeah. And I told you that you just got a jar out of the fridge.
Me: Julia, I asked if you had finished a jar of jelly. What does that have to do with me getting jar out of the fridge?
Julia: Well, you asked if I had finished a jar so I thought that you forgot you got the jar out and thought that we didn't have any.

Ugh. My days would go much smoother if the people around me didn't think for themselves and just answered the questions that I ask them instead of the questions that they think or wish that I had asked them.

Lucero with Shooter Jennings and Hierophant

2010-04-17T09:31:00.000-06:00

I suppose that this is a "review" of sorts. I'm a big time Lucero fanboy, so I come at this with a lot of bias. If you want to read a real review with professional quality pictures, check out Reverb's review. If you look closely at the photos that catch the crowd you can find me in two or three of the pictures. This post will just be my random musings and crappy cell phone pictures.

This past Tuesday night I caught one of my favorite bands, Lucero, up in Denver. Shooter Jennings and Hierophant was the opener.

I came in not knowing a lot about Shooter Jennings. I knew that he was Waylon's son, had gotten a start in "Outlaw Country" and was dabbling with a more rock sound. The first thing that I noticed before they even came on was the setup. This is an opening act for a semi-successful national act that has dabbled in independent and big label recording. And the Shooter Jennings equipment was the good stuff. Marshall stacks in well-painted and stenciled rolling road cabinets. Racks of Gibson Flying V's and vintage SGs and Gibson acoustics. A pristine looking drum kit. I had no idea what to expect. Hierophant came on, the lights went down, and they were introduced by the recorded voice of Stephen King. Yes, that Stephen King. Their album is apparently a concept album and Stephen King narrates from the voice of a self-broadcasting disc jockey apparently being silenced by the government. Shooter was aloof with the crowd. He played stationed at two keyboards and had a roadie switching him out between guitar and keys sometimes multiple times in one long multi-part song. The songs were often introduced by King's character. The music was really good. It was. There was this jam band feel to the songs themselves and particularly the lead guitarist and the bassist were really great musicians. But the show just felt wrong to me. The music had a jam band feel, but the overall performance was overproduced. It just didn't fit. It left me cold.

Ben and his Jamison on Goodbye Again

So they roll off the high-quality equipment of Shooter's band and are left with a sparse stage with a beat up drum kit and beat up amps. The Lucero band members come out themselves and tune up their equipment. Then front man Ben Nichols rambles out with his guitar and they get plugged in and started. This went just like every other show I've seen of Lucero in Denver. Ben talks a bit and then complains that he is hungover from the Fort Collins show and will be better once he sweats out his hangover. There is cultivated humility to their performance. Their sound has transitioned a bit from their rough country/punk to more of a produced Memphis swing, but their approach has remained the same. They have an idea of how they will get started, but there is no set list and from there it is Ben deciding what he wants to play and launching into a song with the band following. Or Ben taking requests from the crowd. They did the typical raucous start broken by Ben trading his guitar for a bottle of whiskey and singing/slugging his way through the very sad Goodbye Again. Then "the boys" left the stage to Ben, the great Rick Steff on keys, and pedal steel. Ben explained that he would bring "the boys" back to pick things up a bit, but that he liked to drink whiskey and listen/play slow sad songs.

The standard Lucero show Highlights were all there. There was The War, Last Night in Town, Tears Don't Matter Much, All Sewn Up, etc. The new songs off the latest album are all great. There was no slick production. Just a band that appreciates their fans and loves to live hard and play their music in front of adoring fans. At one point Ben was figuring out what he wanted to play next and said, "Well, I've played one for my Dad, one for my Mom, two about my Granddad...I'll play this next one for my little brothers."

They seem to live hard and like their whiskey, but they also seem like smart, humble, good people. They are exactly my kind of band and that was even more apparent compared to the aloofness and production of Shooter Jennings and Hierophant.

It's Official

2010-04-03T10:55:00.000-06:00

After Julia told me that I wasn't old and that I wasn't young I asked her what that made me. She quickly fired back, "Middle".

So according to the 8 year old I am officially middle-aged.

Family Skiing

2010-03-27T14:57:00.001-06:00

We took a long weekend over the girls' spring break and spent time with Susan's brother and family in the mountains. It was great to spend time with family and the girls loved playing with their cousins.

We took one day and skied at a small family-oriented resort called Sol Vista. Susan had never skied. Lauren had never skied. And Julia had been on skis once several years ago. I'm happy to report that all three of them took lessons and seemed to enjoy it a lot. There is hope for more family skiing in my future.

Julia on her own.

Julia getting some instruction from Esteban (Steve)

Could she be any cuter?

Sledding was almost as fun as skiing.

Lauren and Susan.

Me and my littlest.

St. Baldrick's and Nathan's Network

2010-01-20T11:16:00.002-07:00

St. Baldrick's is nation-wide fundraiser that raises a lot of money to fight all types of childhood cancers. For several years now a really tremendous group of close friends and family members (and in some cases friends of friends and family members) have been joining in the St. Baldrick's fun and shaving their heads to raise money in honor of Nathan. Our friend Matt started down the path and is the founder of this group of friends known as "Nathan's Network".

The ball is now rolling for 2010 St. Baldrick's fundraising. Contributions to any member of Nathan's Network (only two registered so far but it will grow) can be made here.

Here is a copy of Matt's email letter introducing Nathan's Network efforts for the year. As always, thank you all very much for your love and support and for continuing to fight these terrible diseases in honor and memory of Nathan.

St. Baldrick's of 2010 - Or why I'm going bald...

Hi everyone!

I'm getting a late start here this year, it's been a crazy time for
St. Baldrick's in my area, but it's time to talk about head-shaving
fun!

As most of you know, this is the time of year (right around St.
Patrick's Day) where I raise money for childhood cancer research by
shaving my head. You all are either my past donors, or are friends of
mine who I am hoping will get involved this year.

If you have donated for me in the past, I can only say that I am
deeply gratified and honored to know you. If you haven't donated in
the past, check out my website at Baldrick's and read up on the event
and the organization. It's a super cause and it has raised tens of
millions of dollars for what is undeniably one of the most important
things we can do with our time and money. My page this year is:

https://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/MatthewDick

A group of friends of mine are honoring my cousin, Nathan Gentry.
Nethan was diagnosed with neuroblastoma when he was 2 years old. He
lost his fight about 4 years later at age 7. You can read all about
Nathan and his journey here:

http://www.caringbridge.org/co/nathanmichael/

For no other reason than for fun, you can check out a picture of the
crayon forest we built together:

http://msd.smugmug.com/Family/Nathan/Crayon-Forest/117049345_aZLrk-XL.jpg

All my donors will be invited to my shaving event... due to volatility
with the events this year, I don't know if my shaving will be in
Chicago or in Schaumburg this year, but I'll be sure to let everyone
know when it is, and I hope you can make it there on the day to see me
lose all my hair.

A little guidance for those who have not donated before: The standard
donation is $50, but I've been grateful to receive donations as low as
$1 and as high as $1050. My largest donor gets the added benefit of
taking the first swipe at my head with the shaver. Last year I raised
more than $3,000, and our Nathan's Network team raised over $20,000!!!
My employer matched contributions last year, so check with your
employer for matching contributions.

St. Baldrick's main website and 501c(3) letter are here:

http://www.stbaldricks.org
http://www.stbaldricks.org/user_media/downloads/501c3letter.pdf

Death in books

2010-01-11T12:11:00.001-07:00

An unusually high percentage of books that Susan randomly picks up from the library tend to have some component of dealing with the death of a child or the ensuing grief. I just ran into the same thing. I picked up a John Irving book at the library, A Widow for One Year. I have read a few Irving books and his A Prayer For Owen Meany easily makes my "top five", so I just grabbed this one off the shelf. Alas, the first chapters are about a family in the aftermath of losing two teenage sons in a car accident and how the grief on top of an already unstable marriage is tearing the family apart.

I'm not sure that I'm going to finish it. When I manage to be detached while reading it I am enjoying it. But for the most part I do better when staying away from books and movies that tackle the whole child loss thing.

Update:
Perhaps I should just stay away from Irving from here on out. I found this quote on his Wikipedia page:

I write repeatedly — against my will — of those things I fear most happening. Losing a loved one, losing a parent, losing a child. I'm in terror of losing a child. It's never happened to me, but I am clearly compelled to write about it over and over again, and in a way I think, psychologically at least, this says more about me autobiographically as a novelist than the fact that Danny Angel goes to the Iowa Writers Workshop and has Kurt Vonnegut as a teacher, which I also did.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-12-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

Me: You look like Cousin It with your hair all in your face.
Lauren: No I don't...And I'm not your cousin...And you don't have a cousin named Zit.

How I'm spending my Thursday night

2009-11-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers with Angie Stevens & the Beautiful Wreck.

Sin City

2009-11-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today at church during the children sermon the kids were being asked if they had been on any trips. Julia raised her hand and answered Illinois. Then she added that she had also been on a road trip to Las Vegas. That drew quite a few laughs. Nothing like your daughter telling 900 people in church that you take her on road trips to Vegas!

Memory

2009-10-29T12:56:00.000-06:00

I was headed to a concert in Denver on Tuesday. I had been psyched about this show for a long time and was in high spirits. I was cruising along singing along to loud music on the radio and headed up Lincoln when a memory washed over me out of the blue. It was of seeking out a car wash that could detail and clean the inside of our car so that it would be a safe environment for Nathan to travel in after several weeks in Denver for transplant. It was one of those very vivid memories. I could see in my mind's eye the bay I pulled the car into. I remember watching as the industrial strength vacuum was used to suck up every crushed piece of cheerio or cracker or old crusty McDonald's hamburger bun. If you would have asked me earlier in the day where the car wash was that we had the car detailed at before coming home after transplant, I couldn't have told you. About four or five blocks after being hit by the memory I cruised right past that car wash. It is funny the things you know and remember but don't even know you know or remember. And I couldn't have recalled that "knowledge" if I had tried.

The venue for the show was close to the old Children's Hospital in Denver. While seeking out parking I drove right by the apartments we stayed in during that time. After walking the few blocks to the theater in the cold drizzle I was more than ready for a few beers and some loud music.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-10-29T12:45:00.000-06:00

Riding in the van the other day:

Me: You look cool in your sunglasses.
Lauren: No. I look *sassy*.
Me: Sassy, huh?
Lauren: Yes. And you are stylin'.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-09-18T08:56:00.000-06:00

Last Sunday night Susan's choir at church performed a fantastic concert. It was an evening designed to worship God as the creator of all things. The song performances were only broken up by scripture readings from Genesis and during the performances images and clips of amazing natural beauty were projected onto the screens. I explained to Lauren that the music and the images were meant to celebrate the fact that God created everything, including all of the things being shown on the screen.

Lauren thought for a few minutes and then whispered in my ear, "It sure must have took him a long time to make all those things".

Amen.

Seize them back

2009-08-24T09:01:00.002-06:00

From The Crossing by Cormac McCarthy.

It was the nature of his profession that his experience with death should be greater than for most and he said that while it was true that time heals bereavement it does so only at the cost of the slow extinction of those loved ones from the heart's memory which is the sole place of their abode then or now. Faces fade, voices dim. Seize them back, whispered the sepulturero. Speak with them. Call their names. Do this and do not let sorrow die for it is the sweetening of every gift.

2

2009-07-29T09:35:00.000-06:00

It has been two years today. It is a day that we choose not to "recognize", but it is impossible to ignore. I've gotten messages from friends indicating that they are doing something special today to mark the day, and that makes me feel good. It just isn't an anniversary that I want to give that kind of special attention.

I feel a bit of relief. This date marks the beginning of the end of the summer grieving season. There will still be grief tomorrow and every day after, but the buildup and the emotional impact of summer is especially tough, and it will soon be over.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-07-28T17:25:00.000-06:00

Me: Are you my girl?
Lauren: Yes.
Me: Will you be my girl forever?
Lauren: Well...until I go to college.

Times you wish that you had a camera

2009-07-16T20:26:00.000-06:00

Through a long and winding conversation at dinner we got to a point where Julia finally asked one of those big questions in life. This question was, "And how do babies come out of Mommies?". I had just took a big swig of beer and Susan gave Julia the straight, no-nonsense answer and I almost spit out my beer laughing at the look on Julia's face. It was priceless. Huge wide eyes. Gaping jaw. And Julia at a loss for words, which is saying something. I managed not to spit my beer all over the table and had a really good natured laugh with the family over the whole thing. Good times.

And oh I wish I could have captured the look on her face.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-06-24T21:00:00.000-06:00

Tonight while putting Lauren to bed:

"Daddy, tomorrow before I go to bed will you shave so that I don't have to feel your whiskers when I kiss you goodnight?"

9

2009-06-16T00:10:00.001-06:00

I became a father 9 years ago today. It was easily one of the four happiest days of my life, and memories of it are now oh so bittersweet (more bitter than sweet if truth be told). Last June 16 is a blur. I vaguely remember it not being as hard as I had expected, but my expectations were that it would be pretty terrible.

No matter how today goes, I know that in some respects it will be like every day in that I will spend a lot of it thinking about and missing my beautiful Nathan.

He should be here with me now.

Summer seems to be filled with so many landmines. Nathan's birthday. Father's Day (we brought Nathan home two days after he was born on Father's Day, June 18, 2009). My birthday. The day he died. And the end of summer when we should be putting him on the bus to start a new grade. I hope that we can fill a few good days in around the others.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-05-20T08:33:00.002-06:00

Less of a conversation and more of a quote...

"This sun screen smells like the beach."

Days of Elijah

2009-05-17T16:31:00.000-06:00

We sang one of Nathan's favorite songs in church today. It is a beautiful, triumphant song and I cry every time we sing it, especially when Susan's choir has their soloist for it. I love the song. And I hate the song. I always think that "this time I'm going to get through it" and I sing along with my terrible voice drowned out by the choir and congregation. Inevitably when we get to the chorus where the song rises to its most triumphant peaks I tear up and my voice breaks and I just listen on through the rest.

It is a blessing that the song brings such powerful memories. At its most potent I can see him standing next to me with a huge smile clapping along almost to the rhythm and I can feel a bit of the closeness that was there when he and I worshiped in church together. I don't think that such experiences can be explained. It is paradoxical that I can be so thankful for such powerful memories of him and at the same time, because of the same experience and memories feel such pain.

And then the day goes on like any other day.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-05-08T09:07:00.002-06:00

Susan and Lauren were talking about birthdays. I can't recall the exact context, but it is a pretty frequent conversation to talk about who has the next upcoming birthday and what the dates are. Susan was telling Lauren the birthdays of our family members and Lauren was confused by Susan indicating that Nathan still had a birthday. She asked, "When is his un-birthday?".

One of the first lessons of parenthood for me was how quickly and how well children can communicate. It might not matter if they can come up with the right words at the right time, but they find a way to say or ask what they want to say.

And as for the rest of the conversation, Susan answered matter of factly. And I think we may have even chuckled a bit about the wording. Then Susan told me that the exchange should make its way into a "conversation"...so here it is.

2009-05-01T10:26:00.001-06:00

I ran into a girl from Nathan's first grade class at a school event last night. Couldn't help to form a picture in my mind of how he might look finishing up the third grade.

I'm not sure how Susan goes there every week to help in Julia's class. I hate being in that school.

Rock-n-Roll Therapy

2009-04-23T08:42:00.001-06:00

I got to catch Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers last night here in the Springs. In the last three years or so I have seen the Peacemakers at least six times. It is always a treat for me to catch them at the small venue down here instead of having to run up to Denver. I had been telling my sister how much I was looking forward to the all out rock and roll show and man did Roger and the guys deliver!

This is the first full band performance that I have seen since Steve Larson left the band on lead guitar and Jim Dalton, of The Railbenders and The Hickman Dalton Gang, took his spot. Steve was great, but I don't think they lost anything at all. In fact, for someone that sees the band pretty often, I think the change is awesome. Roger is a lock. The drummer dates back to The Refreshments days and is a tremendous drummer. If this band is going to mix things up it is going to come from the lead guitar. I love the band and keep seeing their shows, but even though they always bring the energy, some of the songs were getting a little stale. Dalton can really play and I think that the whole band is a bit energized and really laying it out there to prove to the loyal fans that they can get it done in the new lineup.

As for the setlist, I don't have the whole thing but it was great. For those of you that know the music, they opened with "Preacher's Daughter" and closed the encore with "Nada". Those are some amazing bookends. The beginning and the end of the show were heavy on The Freshies with more RCPM tracks in the middle. We got "Una Soda" and "Helly Dolly" and those are two Freshies songs that I hadn't heard RCPM perform. I even thought that the old standbys had a new energy to them. "Banditos", "Mexico", "Mekong"...the songs you hear every show and become the, "I'll go grab a beer during this one" songs all just rocked. Dalton is a CO guy and Roger said that Dalton put together the set list for this show and that during the whole tour he is pushing them to put some of the "rarities" back in rotation. The encore was really special. Another local artist, Angie Stevens, was in the crowd and she got called up to trade verses and share the chorus on "Green and Dumb". She came up and Dalton gave her his mic. Roger had nothing to do with that and told her that if she had her own mic that "it took all the sexy away". It was a really fantastic performance of that standby.

I go to most shows solo. It would be nice to have company, but it usually works out fine for me. Sometimes I'm a little lonely, but never at RCPM shows. They crowd is always so friendly, singing along, and just a really great environment. I ended up talking with a group of guys and really having a good, communal time. And not really knowing anyone I can let loose and jump around and sing along without any silly worries about embarrassing myself.

I think that this was maybe the second most enjoyable Peacemakers show for me. The first one blew me away. This one had a really great energy and feel. I also really loved the show that I got to catch with my brother. I'm waiting to catch one with my sister. That would be special too.

Go see them. They are on fire.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-04-07T15:06:00.002-06:00

While we were watching family pictures on the computer screensaver:

Me: I sure had cute babies.
Lauren: You didn't have any babies! Only women can have babies!

Shirt

2009-03-15T22:51:00.000-06:00

Somehow a shirt that was Nathan's got into Lauren's drawer. I think it had been loaned to friends that had a little boy. I don't remember the circumstances, but it came back and was in Lauren's drawer. She wanted to wear it yesterday. She knew it had been Nathan's and she really wanted to wear it. It is very sad for me to realize that her connection to Nathan likely won't be very strong. She was so young when he died. It made me feel really good to see her wearing his shirt.

I think about Nathan a lot every day. Yesterday seeing Lauren in his shirt made me think about him all the more and several of those thoughts were warm and made me smile. The downside is that I had terrible, terrible dreams last night about Nathan's illness, treatments, and death.

I just posted on my Facebook status that I had a really good weekend with Julia and Lauren while Susan has been out of town. And I just wrote that I didn't really sleep well last night because of terrible dreams about my son's illness and death. Both things are true. Its a crazy fucked up world we live in.

Conversations with the littlest girl

2009-03-15T22:42:00.000-06:00

Me: Lauren, what do you want to drink with lunch, milk or water?
Lauren: You know I always want milk.

Pause in conversation while I get the milk from the fridge.

Lauren: I changed my mind. I want water.

Conversations with the girl

2009-03-14T13:05:00.000-06:00

Julia: Can I go outside now?
Me: Sure. Get some shoes and socks.
Julia: I don't need them.
Me: I would like you to wear shoes and socks.
Julia: Its not a problem. I won't be doing anything that it matters.
Me: I'm not going to argue with you about this, Julia. If you want to go out you will put shoes and socks on and I don't want to hear another word about it.
Julia: I don't want to go outside anyway.
Me: You've been asking me to go outside all morning and now that I've told you that you had to wear shoes and socks you don't want to go?
Julia: It doesn't have anything to do with shoes and socks...and I'm not lying. I just want to do something else.
Me: Like what?
Julia (after a long pause): Read. I'm not lying.

Conversations with the Girl

2009-03-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

I was walking out with Julia to the bus stop this morning and noted the toys strewn across the front yard, letf out from playing last night.

Julia: I was playing with that stuff with Lauren and Christian (neighbor/classmate/friend of Julia)
Me: Why didn't you put your toys away?
Julia: We went inside quickly. Christian was cold.
Me (jokingly): Wimp.
Julia: No. He's not a wimp.
Me: Were you cold?
Julia: No.
Me: Was Lauren cold?
Julia: No.
Me (again, jokingly): Wimp.
Julia (quite definsively): Christian is not a wimp. It is just that different people feel...(shoulder shrug)...different things.

This tour goes to 11

2009-03-04T13:41:00.001-07:00

Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer have announced an upcoming tour to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Spinal Tap.. Tickets go on sale for most of the shows in a couple of days. They are calling this the "Unwigged and Unplugged" tour and will play songs from Spinal Tap, the Spinal Tap cd Break Like the Wind, and music from the folk music inspired movie A Mighty Wind.

I saw Tap in all their heavy metal glory back in '92 or '93 and it was awesome. This won't be the full on metal spoof show, but it should be a lot of fun and quite humorous.

Coming to a city near you (tour dates)

Check out the video medley below. Hitting one of their shows would be worth it just for the acoustic version of Sex Farm.

Rock Star

2009-03-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

I was driving with the girls and listening to music. I made some comment about wanting to be a rock star when I grew up, which drew the expected result of the girls telling me that I was already grown up. They took it an unexpected notch though when Julia told me that it was okay that I was already grown up and that I could be a rock star anyway. I explained how terrible I was at playing the guitar and that I couldn't sing and she just told me flat out that if I worked hard enough and practiced hard enough that I could become a rock star if that is what I wanted to be.

I don't really want to be a rock star and I don't even really intend to make any big leap of faith life changes. What struck me about the exchange is how wonderful it is to be taught life lessons from my children.

Dreaming?

2009-02-06T16:34:00.003-07:00

I needed some background noise this afternoon and am listening to the Gotlieb show on ESPN Radio. It would seem that they are seriously discussing scenarios where Northwestern might get their first ever NCAA tournament bid. I'm woefully uninformed this year on college basketball, but I must be dreaming this segment, right?

The Keene Act and You

2009-02-06T12:58:00.001-07:00